Yes, I've been hurt a lot. But still, the pain I feel is unfamiliar. It's like my heart was never broken before, but it did. A lot of times. So I wasn't expecting to feel a different kind of pain. A hurt I just want to end, but I know wouldn't. I guess it's the hope that's making it unbearable. Hoping and dreaming that this is just temporary, that he'll return and everything will be ok. But it's not. I know for a fact that it won't happen, but my damn heart can't stop hoping. No matter how much I convince myself that it's over, a part of me, somewhere hidden behind the mask I'm wearing, I'm hoping it isn't.
I'm good at pretending. Everything is fine, nothing affects me. But this time, I didn't bother. It damn hurts and no amount of pretending could change that. I allowed myself to cry, until I couldn't no more. Unfortunately, it seems like my body has too much tears to cry and I can't seem to use everything. It just keeps coming and coming. 1 Tear for a single message I thought would be from him, 2 tears for the songs that reminds me of him, 3 tears for some lines I hear that I once heard from him, 4 tears for some food I know he'll love, 5 tears for the calls I never got, 6 tears for his family I'll surely miss, 7 tears for the places we went to, 8 tears to the places we planned to go to, 9 tears to the events I wish to share with him still, 10 tears for the gifts from him I still use, 11 tears for the jealousy, 12 tears for all the sweet lines he said, 13 tears for the last goodbye, 14 tears for the reasons why it ended, 15 tears for the fear of losing a friend, 16 tears for the memories and everything that reminds me of him, and thousand tears for realizing that everything is really over and gone.
I want to go to the time when I can look back and no more tears, reminiscing and all I'll do is smile. I want to go to that time when we're not hurting anymore. But I can't reach it yet, it's too far, it's something I couldn't see yet. Honestly, I'm tired of hurting, but I know it's natural. It has been good between the two of us, and saying goodbye is not that easy, at least for me. But I understand why it has to be this way, I understand it in my own way. So I guess I'll just have to accept it, say goodbye and move on.. in my own way. #dramamuch